How’s Your Sex Life? is a KCRW original podcast hosted by sex and dating coach Myisha Battle. Each Wednesday, Myisha answers questions from our audience and turns them into pro-tips for the bedroom and beyond.
When you’re on a first date, you’re probably anxious and a million thoughts are rushing through your mind. “Does my hair look okay? Are we going to kiss? Wait… what did they just say?” For folks in the disabled community, another question can come to mind.
Here’s what a listener wrote in:
“I’m a cisgender woman and I date men. I would love to hear some advice on something I deal with personally, dating and sex with chronic pain. I'm not even 40, but sometimes I feel so old in my body. I find it hard to talk about it early on because I don't appear to be disabled, but sex can definitely make it worse. When should I disclose and how?”
Dr. Akilah Cadet, who has written about dating with a disability, shares some advice along with Myisha.
More: You Deserve Better Sex with Dr. Akilah Cadet | How’s Your Sex Life?
The following has been edited for length and clarity.
Open up on your terms
Akilah Cadet says: It's really important to disclose information when you feel comfortable. What I do is say it in the first interaction and date because I don't want to waste my time. For me, sex is actually a value add — it helps with my overall pain — but for other people it could be more of a process. You can tell your partner “Intimacy for me looks like this” or say “Can we start with oral sex? Can we use a pillow?” I think when we put ourselves in situations, as folks with visible or invisible disabilities, we have to think about our time and energy. I’d rather put it out there and see who they are from the beginning to know if it's worth the time and energy, because I have all the vibrators I need to do it myself.
Myisha’s take: Right, and you don't necessarily have to communicate with your vibrators what you like and don't like. You can just make those adjustments, but with a human being they need that information. So what I'm hearing is first knowing what works for you. My follow up question would be, what aspects of sex make it worse for you? Is it that you don't have enough build up or sex just takes a long time? It could be as simple as positioning.
Explore other forms of intimacy
Akilah: It can be as simple as positioning. I live with Ehlers-Danlos syndrome, which is a connective tissue disorder. My body doesn't know how to do anything with collagen. My spine is always hypermobile, but a joint can dislocate and go in and out, from fingers to toes to ankles. I bruise easily. I recently had back injections, so I’m going to be a little tender. It may feel better for me to be on top or do something doggy style. It just depends on how my body's feeling, but it's the communication that's really important for your partner.
Communicate how you're feeling and how they can help you feel better. We do want to reiterate [that] when it comes to pain, maybe as a result of sex, that person may or may not be able to have sex. You have to go back to other forms of intimacy. Is it oral sex? Is it rubbing my back? Let's do those types of things. Sometimes working with a pelvic floor therapist can be incredibly helpful. That could potentially allow for more penetration, if that's something that the person is looking for, to help in that area.
Myisha: Things change from day to day and that's true for everybody, but it is particularly the case with people who manage chronic pain. You might have pain free days where sex is more available to you, and maybe those are the days you allocate to having sex. Or there are times when you are going to be completely out of commission and other things like non-sexual intimacy are going to take the foreground for you.
Got a question for Myisha? Shoot it over to sexlife@kcrw.org. Your message will remain anonymous and confidential.
